It’s SO common -the feeling of dread when you think about holidays with your family. With your siblings. Your uncle or grandmother who share very…different political and social values than you. You’re worried about their comments, how to respond, if you should respond…
Worried about people making comments about weight gain during the pandemic, commenting on your relationship status or when you’re going to have kids. You know what I’m talking about - the questions you’d rather walk over broken glass than answer 10 million times.
Sometimes the conversations aren’t dreaded so much as the obligations…like staying the night on christmas eve, or partaking in various family holiday traditions that either bring on an anxiety attack or make you wish you could call in sick…or just say no. But you feel like you can’t say no because “it’s the holidays” and someone will be upset with you (hello people-pleasers worst nightmare). Sound about right? I got you. I know it feels impossible but you can set boundaries.
While the actual work of learning how to set and hold boundaries is more involved than a list of things to say, we don’t have time to pack in therapy sessions before the holidays hit so here’s a quick way to set some boundaries this holiday season. The key is to be assertive, which means being direct and concise.
When someone brings up a subject you don’t want to talk about:
I don’t feel comfortable talking about that.
I know we’re all trying to relax and have fun so let’s talk about something different.
We’ve all been drinking so probably shouldn’t talk about this right now.
I’m trying to wind down/relax, let’s talk about something different.
That’s really between me [and my partner, family, etc if applicable) and I’d prefer not to/I’m not ready to talk about it.
When it’s specifically related to your body, or someone else’s:
I’ve decided diet culture has never had a positive impact on my life, so I’d prefer not to talk about it. What are your plans for [insert some event, dates, vacation etc]?
I would appreciate it if you didn’t make comments about my body.
I’ve been struggling with my own body image and don’t like to talk about it [or other peoples’ bodies]. Are you up to anything fun this weekend?
I don’t like it when others talk about my body so I’ve decided I’m not going to talk about someone else’s.
When you’re asked/expected to do something that makes you uncomfortable:
Actually, I’m going to do something else [or insert what you’re wanting to do, sleep at home tonight, read a book, etc]
That doesn’t work for me/us. [you can offer alternative suggestions here if you want to]
Some other tips:
Politely decline events you don’t want to attend: Thanks for inviting me but I have other plans this year.
Make plans to do things you want to do.
If possible, take your own transportation instead of riding with others so you can leave if and when you want.
Don’t pack an overnight bag If you don’t want to stay somewhere overnight.
Stop drinking so that you can get yourself home.
Remember, no one can MAKE you talk about something, or do something.People might try to argue with you or convince you, but hold your boundary. When you set a boundary and others lash out against it, they are the one with the problem, not you. Regardless of their tone or their relationship to you, you are NOT obligated to talk about something you don’t want to talk about or do something that makes you uncomfortable. Your needs are more important than someone’s expectations of you. And, it’s not your job to manage someone else’s feelings or expectations (unless you’re intentionally trying to be hurtful).
My favorite thing to say is that there is a difference between setting boundaries and being an asshole. If you are assertive, you are not being rude or doing anything wrong. If you are passive aggressive, or aggressive about it (attacking, belittling or generally being an asshole), then you are doing yourself and the other person a disservice and opening yourself up for conflict. Assertiveness is always the best way to communicate because it leaves little room for misunderstanding and is respectful.
The list above isn’t comprehensive and is meant to be a starting point. If you struggle with setting boundaries, saying no when you don’t want to do something or find yourself frequently bending over backwards to please others are your own expense, I recommend working with a therapist. It’s possible to get your needs met AND have good relationships with others where you feel fulfilled, respected and valued. I’m out of the office for the holidays but if you’re in Colorado and would like to work with me you can click here to set up a free new client consult.
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