I said what I said.
Look, it’s true in the sense that according to physics every action causes an equal or opposite reaction. If I kick a ball, it will move. That is true. But that’s not the way it is used in everyday conversations. When someone says “everything happens for a reason”, they are usually saying it because they are having trouble accepting something that did not go the way they wanted or had planned. It’s a coping mechanism that is well-intended but highly problematic and usually harmful. If we really believe everything happens for a reason, then that means both good and bad things happen for a reason that we somehow deserve, or that is happening because it’s for the best. Would you say ‘everything happens for a reason’ to someone whose dog was just hit in the road? Or whose child was diagnosed with cancer? To the friend or family member that struggles to get pregnant or carry a live baby to term? To a friend who was sexually assualted? It happened for a reason - the dog ran into the road, cancer is a horrible illness that plagues humans and animals alike in this world, infertility is a real struggle, people do horrible things…but it didn’t happen because they deserved it or for some ultimate universal or divine reason to better them as people. When we use colloquialisms and spiritual bypassing to try to come up with a reason bad things are happening, we’re trying to find meaning because the reality is too hard (or too uncomfortable) to accept, so we avoid it any way we can. We try to ease the pain to make ourselves and the others feel better, but in doing so we can dismiss and invalidate others. The reality is bad things happen. When bad things happen we need to be with our loved ones, not dismiss how they are feeling, not try to fix it or find a silver lining to make everyone feel better. Sometimes we don’t need to feel better; we need to sit with our grief and pain so we can move through it and begin to heal.
Sometimes it’s good things didn’t work out; we didn’t get the house we wanted, the relationship ended, the job fell through - and something better does come along. When that happens it’s okay to be disappointed and angry, those feelings make you human. Instead of trying to avoid those feelings by saying ‘everything happens for a reason’, sit with them. Let yourself just feel it. Feelings are like tunnels, they have a beginning and an end and we have to go through the whole tunnel or the feelings just get suppressed and come back later. Sometimes they come back sideways and we take it out on the wrong people. When we try to fight emotions they get stronger and take even longer to run their course. When we learn how to sit with our own uncomfortable feelings, like sadness, pain, disappointment…then we can learn how to sit with our friends and loved ones when they’re going through something hard, and not just try to fix it or make them feel better. Your loved one doesn’t need you to ‘make it better’, they need you to be willing to sit with them and validate their pain. They need you to say ‘this is awful and painful, and I’m here with you. I’m not looking away’. Bearing witness to (not fixing) another’s pain is one of the most powerful and healing things we can do.
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