If you’ve been been struggling with the results of the election.
If loved ones or others you interact with say things like ‘why are you so upset?’ or dismiss how you are feeling.
If you’re worried about people you care about.
If you’ve been wondering, how do I set boundaries with friends and family who voted differently than me?
How do I even interact with them?
What am I supposed to do right now?!
I can tell you two things: you’re not alone, and you’re not unreasonable for feeling upset.
Let’s get into it, but first I’m going to set a few expectations if you’re going to keep reading this. This is for anyone who is hurting, overwhelmed or scared right now. I am not going to tell you how to feel. NO ONE has the right to tell you what you should or should not feel. Your feelings are just that - your feelings. You are your own person and you have your own feelings whether someone agrees with them or not. Now, your actions or what you do with those feelings can a problem, particularly if they case harm - but the emotions themselves are just emotions. That brings us to the final thing; you are in charge of, and responsible for, your own feelings, thoughts and actions.
Now that I’ve set some clear expectations, let’s get into it.
Feel it. It’s OK for you to feel however you are feeling. Angry? Hurt? Scared? Bewildered? Confused? Betrayed? Your feelings are real, and you get to have them. What we do with those feelings is where we can have significant problems, whether it’s safety issues or hurtful and unhealthy behavior - but the feelings themselves are not problematic. Get curious about it - what is the feeling telling you? Where does it come from? Do you feel it somewhere in your body, or does it feel like this strong thing that you’re afraid of? Remember that the intensity of our emotions usually only last for several seconds and then it ebbs. Your body can only sustain intense feelings for so long - that’s why you eventually stop crying, or the anger dissipates a bit when you scream into a pillow. It might come back again, but you can ride it like a wave in the ocean. Try to just notice it and keep breathing through it. If you try to ignore or shove down how you are feeling it is going to come out sideways and likely in a way you will not be proud of and may even regret. Notice the feelings, accept them, and breathe through them.
Respond instead of react. Try not to make any big decisions while you are feeling emotionally charged or raw. Sometimes impulsive decisions pan out, but we usually feel the most confident about decisions when we’ve really taken our time to think through it…when it feels like a response, not a knee-jerk reaction. The election was big - with big consequences, and it’s normal to have some big feelings about it. But it’s also helpful to recognize that sometimes our feelings change, and when your nervous system settles down a bit you may want to make different choices. When are anxious, fearful or stressed, we tend overestimate the thing we are afraid of, and underestimate our ability to adapt and deal with difficult situations. Slowing down to process our feelings and calm our nervous system helps us manage our feelings and respond to life’s stressors thoughtfully instead of just reacting.
Calm your nervous system. Fear and stress are natural responses to a threat - perceived or real. Real threats are often something happening to you literally right now - like a bear chasing you. Perceived threats are threats we believe are coming, or things that feel like a threat even if we are physically ok (like worried about being fired from a job, a test result, what someone is going to think or do etc) in this moment. Your nervous reacts to real-time threats and perceived threats in the same way. It doesn’t know the difference between a bear is chasing me and ohmygod what if I get fired - it responds to both as an active threat and sends you into a fight, flight or freeze response. That can you navigate a life-threatening situation like being chased by a bear, but it’s also exhausting and hard to think about anything other than the threat which can leave us frozen or stuck.
If you find yourself feeling that way it’s important to try to calm your nervous system so you can get out of that fight, flight or freeze stage. One helpful way to settle your nervous system is to remember that right now, in this moment, you are okay. Take some deep breaths, drink a few sips of water and remind yourself that right now, you are okay. We do not know for certain what the future holds, but in this moment right now, you are not being chased by a bear - you are okay.
Set some (healthy) boundaries. Boundaries are like property lines - they distinguish between what is yours and what belongs to someone else. Boundaries are not about controlling others, they are about communicating what you can or cannot, will or will not do. Boundaries communicate your needs, capabilities and your limitations. They are not shouting matches, blaming, rude, aggressive, manipulative or demeaning. Some examples of boundaries not related to the election are “I’m not available at that time” or “I’m not able to talk right now, can I call you later?” Boundaries are personal and I can’t tell you what yours should be because they are based off of your needs and safety, but a few examples of boundaries around the election might be “I’m not able to/comfortable having this conversation yet” or, “Please do not say things like that to me”, or “This hurts, can we talk about something else?”. Healthy boundaries might also be taking time to rest this weekend, recharging and connecting with your support system. Boundaries might be not engaging with that family member who likes to argue or lecture about politics until you’ve had time to process how you are feeling. Setting boundaries might look like taking breaks or staying off social media for a little while, or respectfully redirecting or ending conversations when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Where do we go from here? That is a highly individualized answer and will be different for each person. But for now - you do not have to make any decisions or even do anything right now except take care of yourself. Nothing is changing until January - you have time to make decisions and figure out your next steps. Right now it is important to take care of yourself and stay connected to your people - the ones you feel safe with, the ones who are important to you. Watch Netflix, eat food that tastes good - just eat in general. Book a therapy appointment, get outside, walk the dog, play with your kids, take a shower, read a good book. Do things that bring you joy and give you a sense of purpose and focus. If you are trying to navigate painful or uncomfortable relationships, book a therapy appointment. If you are in Colorado and are interested in working with me, you can book a free consult here. If you are not in Colorado or would like to see more options for therapists, you can search for a therapist that would be a good fit by clicking here.
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